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tired + a lil bit of sensitivity...

after watching e 1 litre of tears, i realised many things..how life is so unpredictable and e value of frenship(again.)

i seriously dun feel too good.not sick type..but unease. i feel jumpy, and moody, because i keep thinking e negative stuff.i noe i'm not suppose to...but.ya.i guess negativity sets in again.all the WAT IF comes to mind, and iz as thou they really happen.i cant help but feel sad, cos everything i feel this way, there is definitely something going on, no matter how e world ard me still seems to b spinning.i hate this feeling.and i'm close to 20...yet..life is so uncertain.20.e world awaits.yet i still seem to b looking at e same things, e same thinking, e same world...

frens, tell me, why are we even called frens in e first place?we could have been simply strangers walking by...
a boy once liked a girl.sadly, there was no happy ending to this story. e boy moved on, trying to forget abt e girl he put hope into, a girl who made him believed.
one day, at a camp, he noticed a girl,a fellow participant. somehow, someway, watever happened during e camp, attracted him to e girl, whom he start texting, chatting, e likes.
try and try.one way and others.
months on, e communication gradually faded...or was it he who have withdrawn? he no longer check his phone, because he know there was no more msgs.he no longer could talk to e girl freely, like friends talking abt everything under e sun.long conversations before turned into 1 sentence answers. he could click on her in MSN yet be lost for words to talk to her until she goes off. she talks on occasions, but he no longer am able to carry on conversations.
doubts grow.
"was she just someone i seek to get over her?"
"why did i even talk to her in e first place?"
"can i possibly tell you e truth?"
"who, wat, where, when, how..."
"why do u talk to me?"
"who am i to u?"
"why do u ask me?isnt it obvious?"
"thanks for helping me forget abt her..but who will help me forget abt u?"

let's just end the story with a sad ending for now...the way i know it would.
how life can change in a blink of an eye.

just 2 weeks ago i was looking forward to being posted out of BSLC, and start everything anew, waiting for my 3sgt rank to come in.

sun bicycle accident effectively ruled me out of the 28km march, leaving me out of contention for the CSB badge.

tues skin centre medical appointment- doc prescribe me medication which would mean i cant stay in e sun, hence meaning down pes. 3sgt rank in danger.

now i'm lost. where do i stand?caught in between.e other day, i was filling in e form for overseas travel to ROC. on e form asked PES...i hesitated.

i now realise how normal i really am. i thought that i was going somewhere being e 1 w e highest score in e section. but aslc.and probably out of it.

wat do u aim for in life?achievement or contentment?

and just e other night, when i thought i've finally moved on, e dream came back. i thought i'm over it.but e dream still came back.does it mean anything?and when i saw e pictures....

normal; nothing extraordinary about it.

that pillar of support

 i guess it's again time to move on.
i've somehow lost that pillar of support, or rather given up on it.
perhaps what e 3 of them said at swenson's was true, i shouldnt get involved too much at this time.
i rather move on in life.
close my eyes and let it all pass me by.
all i needed last night was a hug from a friend to make all these bad feelings go away.but e words didnt come.
sometimes all i need is to just be there in e crowd, listening and appreciating every single one of them, even though i may just be sitting there. 
no words can express how much i love being around that group of friends.
but at e same time, i know e feelings have changed, and i've changed somehow.
conclusion: reality bites.

why i blog

it's been some time since i blog.
and i blog after going through deep thinking. which i do not like, as it does not usually make me more "chim", but only make me realise how sad life is.
days in tekong are simply to pass life, without thinking, only obeying. but coming back to civilisation, there are times which make me think about how sad my life is.
tekong doesnt seem so bad after all...

life over e last 1 wk

iz gona b a super duper long post...SCROLL DOWN AT UR OWN RISK...

1-2 march 2008
i went for level camp facilitator workshop!!!i expected smth different, but basically e "games" were e same. HOWEVER!!!e experience was different this time. coming back as an alumni, there was a different feeling, that i could contribute more this time, esp to both e J1 facils and e non-facils. however, i have to admit, i did not learn as much as i could, simply because i kept comparing experience to e 1 i had 2 yrs ago.shucks.

6-7 march 2008
actual level camp!! it was like wat happened 2 yr ago....sian faces, e look of avoidance....i did as much as i could on e first day, but i still ended up feeling like a failure as a facil, simply because the grp was not truthful enough and lye had to stop e training. i hate e feeling.and i cried.in front of e grp, in front of every1.i dont care.i was being true to my emotions. however, it was also because i had EXPECTATIONS. dangerous word. just because i've been thru it doesnt mean i can expect others to react in a similar way. 
for day 2.new clean page.forget all e expectations!take everything as they come!go w e flow! and for once, i tasted e sweet taste of success!no matter if u agree w watever dat was happening, but to me,it was success.juz to b able to make them share, and laugh, and joke. even if we may not be talking abt e right stuff at time...=) e ultimate sign of triumph was seeing them declare their commitment to e class w/o me PROMPTING.i was damn proud. and yes.i cried again at e end.not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. 0835, i'm proud of u all.=)

7 march 2008 2.30pm
results.....i tell u.e waiting was a killer.i couldnt eat e whole morng, and even thou i eat alot, i didnt feel hungry at all.
happy for ppl who stood up, as a form of acknowledgement to their good results. esp to e ppl i noe.HAHAHA.ESP ESP to e ppl who studied w me during those tough months.i wonder if POW felt like dat....anyways.my results wasnt good enuf for me to stand up, but i'm happy w e end results.
h1 econs B
Math A
Chem B
Bio A
see bio?i'm damn proud of that A.i flung straight thru my 2 yrs in NY.NOT A SINGLE PASS.and i ended w an A.perseverence does pay off.
to my frens who didnt meet ur own expectations, i can say there's always different choices in life.nth is too bleak.open ur eyes to all e options available. to those who feel i've walked away because of my results, u r wrong. iz precisely because of that kind of thinking dat i sometimes feel helpless, simply because i either say e wrong thing, or i'm avoided.pls dont.

AND of course.some stuff i've learned abt myself from level camp.
1. i EXPECT from my frens.i'm going to change dat mentality. simply because i'm bound to b disappointed when i expect.juz go w e flow...e pieces will fall into place naturally.
2. iz best to b honest w all ur feelings and emotions. that way, u're letting ppl into ur true world, and only dat way, can u connect w ppl heart to heart. yes, being open leaves u vulnerable, but true frens will b there to help u heal e wound.
3. sometimes actions speak louder than words. a simply hug or pat on e back could mean more than words of consolation.
4. i dont care if u tink i'm too easily contented, or have no "shang jin xin". i'm content w watever life throws me. if it makes me happy and iz enough to pass e day, i'm fine and happy. fighting for dat bit more will juz make me unhappy.and i dont like to b unhappy.so i'm e type who is easily contented. dont try to change me.like this trait of mine if u're a real fren.or juz walk by.

maybe this post not as long as i thot....



where do i go from here?

 I've just finish my renewals for e month of may, so technically speaking, i've finished all my work. but due to some miscommunications, i tink i'll have to help elly do some of e older renewals. but i'm not complaining. 

iz my final week on e job, and seriously, i'm feeling lost. i duno wat to look forward to starting next week, even though i have plans alr. no longer waking up at 7am, having bfast in office, or having chats w elly or doris. i'm sure going to miss this place. iz moments like this dat make u realise how  some things in life are, and u do feel grateful. yes. i've complained abt work, and certain ppl. yes, i do have days when i hate coming to work. but i've grown attached to this place, and e ppl. i feel as though i'm gona die this week, and i muz make full use of my remaining time to fully appreciate wat's going on around me.i'm going to miss this place..

results shud b coming soon. iz exciting, yet worrying. there's an ill feeling, yet chats w other ppl have given hope, dat perhaps we'll do better than expected. we always tend to look at things negatively don't we? i've accepted e fact that life brings u hard truths, and i've learned to simply accept things as they are and juz let it pass me by. i dun hold much hope, juz content with watever life brings to me now. i've more than a month left as a civilian,but i'll confess, i'm afraid.e future is full of uncertainties. dreams, are simply wat u wish will happen, but may never really happen. i have so many dreams and ambition to fulfil, but right now, i no longer feel like there's hope that all will go as planned. yes, some may come true, i'll be happy. others will simply slip by and i'll regret not working for it. others may blame me, but i wun blame myself. that's e harsh reality of life. accept it for wat it is.no self-delusions. i'm still working on dat 1 dream, but hard work does not equate realising that dream. i'll juz work on it at my own pace...

to my frens, this isnt an emo post. iz just my realisation of how harsh life is. we all have to see it someday or other. i'm content w watever is happening in my life now, and i'm sure going to miss wat's happening now.

e future is full of uncertainties.


i've been thinking alot lately again, and i realise alot of things.
1) i'm quite a lousy fren
2) i'm afraid of losing my frens

i've been burdening my frens w my worries and concerns and bleak view of life, and iz evidently taking a toll on some of them. jo'an emo-ed some time back, and i'm sure it must have something to do w my post on friendship. and even though iz not written out, i noe that the "fren" on rk's blog is pointing to me. my words sometimes carry thorns, but i do not realise until e hurt has been done. another fren is feeling down right now, yet i cant talk to him, or ask him, fearing that i might hurt him simply by asking too much. xw sometimes emo, obvious from some of her post, but all i can do is wait for her to gt well. jerold sometimes emo too, but after reading his post, i have to act like nth is happening. i'm such a lousy fren, burdening them even more w my worries.yet they have stood by me, sending me msgs of concern and encouragement. for that i thank u from e bottom of my heart, even though u wun hear me saying all this out loud. i suck at this type of thing.

e reason i emo, or rather think, so much these days are because of my fears. in sec sch, there was no such fear, or simply no time for these fears. training was a form of release, and frustrations could be channelled into training. schoolwork was overwhelming, so there was simply no time for emo-ing. jc days, council events never seem to end, time w my councillors never seem to come to an end, and time seem to stand still whenever we r together. breaking up never came to mind, at least until we step down...but we still see each other in sch, study after sch, sometimes even after leaving sch. i was never afraid of losing this group of frens. now my fear are of losing them as i've lost so many of my frens in pri and sec sch, some of whom i've called my buddies, good frens, frens who wud stick thru thick and thin to achieve common goals. but life seem to bring harsh realities, and life after graduation has offered a different view of friendship to me. iz so easy to drift away....who knows whether i'll still be ard when i enter e army? even now, i fear that i'll be left out, for many of them like to dry swim on e wkends. i've pick up something, but it may not be enough. i know it will be even tougher after next wk, after i quit my job and become a full time drifter before e army. i wan to go holiday-ing w them, but family forbids me to do so. i'm still content w watever conversation i have w them, watever time i have to see them, but sometimes i do feel sad that i have other commitments. i'm glad to find lester and angie working hard(for today's test) when i msg them yesterday, and i cant avoid thinking abt my circle of friends again. change is inevitable, and frenships may be broken and forged. iz easy to say the 29th sc will meet again when 50th anni comes ard, but y wait til then when we can meet almost every week? i don't wan to lose this group of frens, but like i said, life brings harsh realities sometimes.and i know i have to face it.




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